What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 01:25
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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Ive learnt so much.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What can you do if someone makes a false accusation against you?
We were not on the streets..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Put me off passion for life!!
Comes on , in middle age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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I think the readers, may guess!
One cannot live in the past .
What did i know ?
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We all went to grammer schools
Would this be the day?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I will be 64.
What are the cities in England, UK that have trams?
It was going to be , some day.
I waited trembling.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I never cut or harmed myself..
All the time i was locked up.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She loved him until the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I have no regrets .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I don,t even have a pension.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She married twice! .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was 9 years of age.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I write beautiful poetry .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it wasn’t much.
She found it foreign!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So, i spoilt her more .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i lived it daily.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He knew the spot.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My family never makes their pension either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My life is so biszare .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was very sick at this time too.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I said to her
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why did i forgive my father ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im still living with it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But, we were locked up after school.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She wouldn,t have been !
Especially a lifetime of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But ive been too sick for many years..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was in good health!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was scared of men, in general
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!